So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
