I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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