I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
