True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
