So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
