I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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