party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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