I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
