worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
