Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
