last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Randomize
