Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
