I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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