Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
