I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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