So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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