I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
