the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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