I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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