turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
