Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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