She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
