this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
