The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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