god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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