shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
