The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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