My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
