Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
