if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
