Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
