Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
