I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
