I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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