God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
