pop tarts are not kleenex
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
