Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
