I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
