Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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