Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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