Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
