I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
