I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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