This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
