I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
