yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
