I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
