He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
