I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
