pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
