i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
