When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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