I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
